1. Trying to get him to be more motivated. If he can’t get a job he actually likes (so he’s not constantly complaining about how horrible his social work job is because he hates children) on his own, you’re not going to be able to move his lazy-ass mountains.
2. Thinking that his past relationships don’t necessarily mean anything. So he dated someone who was a “total whore”? Yeah, guess what? He’s going to call you that too. If anything, she was probably a “whore” you’d get along with and you could bond over the sexist idiot you both dated.
3. Not paying attention to the way he talks about other women. See above, but also the way he talks about his female friends or even just the way he talks about Mindy Kaling or Lena Dunham; all of it adds up and speaks volumes. Don’t ignore it just because he has nice abs. (I have done this and I am very smart, but also: abs.)
4. Not putting enough time into the relationship. I get it. You’re working, you’re busy, you don’t have 24 hours a day to put into some relationship that might not go anywhere. But it’s 100 percent not going to go anywhere if you don’t spend a tiny bit more time and energy on it.
5. Not hanging out with your friends as much because he is your *~FuTuRe~*. And maybe he is! But you don’t want to stop watching Friends marathons with Katie and Jill. Even if he is your future, it’s still important to have more people in your life than one. That’s not what “The One” means. Also, disregarding your friends’ opinions of him. Their opinions aren’t the most important thing, but it’s a red flag if they all hate him. I mean, ideally, they’re all like “OMG how is he so great? Marry him right now… or whenevs, NBD.”
6. Not paying attention to early warning signs or thinking that they don’t really matter. If the fact that he only eats stale dinner rolls for lunch bugs the hell out of you in the beginning, you’re going to throw one at his face six months from now.
7. Not thinking it’s weird that you never hang out with his friends. It is weird. Meeting a guy’s friends is so important because if they’re jerks, he’s probably a secret jerk too. Or, if you’re like me, you meet his friends and realize one of them is way hotter/cooler than the guy your dating, thereby making you realize you don’t really like the guy you’re dating. Sobering stuff.
8. Making all the plans. If he’s just agreeing to show up somewhere, he’s not making much effort. He’s just chillin’ with you ‘til it’s time to touch your boobs. You deserve a legit night out that he actually planned for both of you. If not more than one night out. Lots of them, quite honestly.
9. Keeping a guy around way too long because it was so hard to find a decent guy and you don’t want to have to go through “The Search” again. Let me tell you something, the search is in fact terrible. But I truly believe it is not as terrible as being with a guy who is a pile of garbage wrapped in scraps of old meat.
10. Thinking that because he’s spending tons of money on you that means he loves you and is not just…him spending lots of money on you. It’s awesome when someone is treating you like The Beyonce of Beyonce Castle in terms of gifts and going places and doing cool shit. I love that stuff so much. What I don’t love is when that’s all the person is doing because they can’t articulate a single feeling in their brain or body (ahem, Mark and also Dave).