When you are in denial about your part in the relationship then you are no better than a child flinging sand at another child in a sandbox. When you take responsibility for your part in the marriage, only then will you be able to connect with your partner in a mature, intimate way. – Carin Goldstein, LMFT
2. Research consistently shows that touching more creates a stronger bond by releasing oxytocin:
2. Research consistently shows that touching more creates a stronger bond by releasing oxytocin:
Hold hands, rub shoulders, hug, kiss, give high-fives or even fist-bumps or bottom pats. When you give a quick hug or kiss, try to lengthen it to at least 5 or 10 seconds for more effective results! – Lori Lowe, MA
3. Learn how to agree to disagree:
No two people agree on everything, and that’s okay, but it’s important to be okay with each other’s differences. – Lee Bowers, LP, PhD
4. Sometimes it’s not about the amount of money you spend on a gift; it’s about the thought that goes into something:
4. Sometimes it’s not about the amount of money you spend on a gift; it’s about the thought that goes into something:
Take the time to write a thoughtful note every so often saying what you love and appreciate about him/her. Drop it in his/her briefcase or purse so he/she will find it unexpectedly and it will brighten up his/her day. – Suzanne K. Oshima, Dating Coach
5. For men, it’s important to understand that women want to be listened to:
5. For men, it’s important to understand that women want to be listened to:
Men don’t need to solve or fix everything; listening itself is an exceptional gift. For women, it’s important to understand that men need time for themselves. By giving him space to pull away and not taking it personally, you allow him to reconnect with his desire for you and his commitment to the relationship. – MarsVenus Coaching, Life Coach
6. The biggest waste of effort in a marriage is trying to change your spouse, since the problems you have with your spouse are generally problems you have in yourself:
6. The biggest waste of effort in a marriage is trying to change your spouse, since the problems you have with your spouse are generally problems you have in yourself:
When you try to change your spouse you come across as a nag and wind up sending the message that ‘who you are is not enough.’ Nobody likes getting that message, and it leads to distance and polarization. Let your spouse be who he or she is and focus on changing yourself. – Dr. Rick Kirschner, Relationship Coach
7. See problems — boredom in the bedroom, lack of conversations, resentment — as symptoms and treat those symptoms just as you would treat a chronic illness that seemingly has no cure:
7. See problems — boredom in the bedroom, lack of conversations, resentment — as symptoms and treat those symptoms just as you would treat a chronic illness that seemingly has no cure:
Throw at it every possible remedy you’ve got, no matter how alternative or weird it seems. Chances are one or more of them will actually work and your marriage will get stronger and stronger. – Alisa Bowman, Relationship Coach
8. Next time you argue with your partner, drop the shaming, blaming, needing to be right, and really listen without interrupting:
8. Next time you argue with your partner, drop the shaming, blaming, needing to be right, and really listen without interrupting:
Then communicate how you feel, using “I” statements. It’s not your partner’s job to read your mind, guess what you’re thinking, or put words into your mouth. These are huge obstacles to open, honest communication and will guarantee resentment, anger, and frustration in the relationship.– Sharon Rivkin, MA, MFT
10. Fair is not a four letter word:
9. In order to strengthen your marriage, learn to recognize that most arguments have shared responsibility, that both people have valid points and valid reasons for their feelings
.– Kathy Morelli, LPC10. Fair is not a four letter word:
You may have forgotten about fairness, but now’s the time to bring it back into your relationship. Are you both being fair when it comes to divvying up chores, communicating your needs, expressing dissatisfaction, dealing with finances, parenting, and supporting one another? If not, how can you improve and bring fairness back to the relationship? – Lisa Steadman, Dating and Relationship Coach
11. Nothing is more important in a marriage than the relationship between husband and wife. When other things become more important, such as careers, children, and personal pursuits, trouble sets in:
11. Nothing is more important in a marriage than the relationship between husband and wife. When other things become more important, such as careers, children, and personal pursuits, trouble sets in:
Make the relationship your top priority. When you do, the marriage flourishes. – Cathy Meyer, CPC, MCC
12. Are you creating more pleasurable interactions in your marriage or are you making it painful or unpleasant for your spouse?
12. Are you creating more pleasurable interactions in your marriage or are you making it painful or unpleasant for your spouse?
If your spouse treats you with kindness, gentleness, patience and self-control, it’s easy for you to respond kindly. If you are treated badly, with anger, impatience, etc., it’s difficult to be nice in return. Focus on how you can be a blessing to your spouse and, in turn, you will be blessed and so will your marriage. – Mack Har
13. Never begin a sentence with the word ‘you’. Instead start with the word “I” and then share your feelings instead of your thoughts:
13. Never begin a sentence with the word ‘you’. Instead start with the word “I” and then share your feelings instead of your thoughts:
This is not as easy as it sounds because we all disguise a lot of thoughts as feelings, as in “I feel like you are avoiding me.” Genuine feelings are sad, angry, happy, lonely, frustrated, etc … and sharing your core feelings creates better communication, and more connection and compassion. – Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM
14. Change your focus to one of learning to appreciate your partner. – Michelle Poll, CPC, MA
15. Let go of criticism and blame:
14. Change your focus to one of learning to appreciate your partner. – Michelle Poll, CPC, MA
15. Let go of criticism and blame:
Focus on what there is to appreciate about your mate, then honestly and spontaneously express your specific appreciation to them. It’s also good to do this for yourself. – Judith Joyce, Life Coach
16. Never lose the fine art of dating:
16. Never lose the fine art of dating:
Setting aside a romantic evening on a regular basis can rekindle the magic of a long-term relationship. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just special time for the two of you to remember how and why you first fell in love. – John Sovec, LMFT
17. Have regular times, even if it’s just for 15 minutes, to check in on your relationship and what you appreciate about each other:
17. Have regular times, even if it’s just for 15 minutes, to check in on your relationship and what you appreciate about each other:
No talk about kids, schedules, etc. allowed. – Mary Kay Aide, MS
18. Love your marriage by first taking care of yourself:
So many of my patients say the reason their marriage fell apart is that they became depressed and disinterested in their partner. If you keep working on you, your marriage will stay fresh and vital. Start today by adding a new wedding vow to your list: Promise to take care of yourself so you will continue to age with grace and confidence by your partner’s side. – Mary Jo Rapini, LPC
19. Recognize that your husband or wife is mirroring back to you who you are:
19. Recognize that your husband or wife is mirroring back to you who you are:
So take whatever you’re upset with him/her about and use it to help yourself look squarely at what you need to do in order to grow and evolve—the relationship will thrive!– Ilene Dillon, LCSW, LMFT
20. Take time to have some fun together every day! With today’s hectic schedules, it’s easy to find your marriage at the bottom of the priority list:
20. Take time to have some fun together every day! With today’s hectic schedules, it’s easy to find your marriage at the bottom of the priority list:
Take a walk and hold hands (nature calms), couple-cook (food fight!), exercise together (tennis or dancing maybe?) or just collect a “Daily Joke” to share. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but if you make the commitment and effort to laugh together as often as possible, it can sweeten your connection and cement your relationship for life. – Melodie Tucker, CPC
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